In parent coaching, I start off almost every session by asking the parent what they would like to focus on for the session. A lot of times parents will have specific requests of what they want to discuss. Scenarios are usually one-offs that are specific to them as a family or they are asking how to respond to a very specific situation that came up in the past week. Other times, the focus for the day is on more general, common questions. What do I do when my kid is asking for more money? What do I do when my child says they don’t like their roommate? How do I get my child to engage more and not give one-word answers? But by far one of the most common questions I get is… “how do I get my child to stop calling me so much?”
“I answer every single time... that's my baby!”
When this question comes up, I always respond with a specific question back to the parent: “When your child calls, how often do you answer?” On a recent call a mother responded very bluntly with. “I answer every single time... that's my baby!”
I loved this answer because it is so common and the mother even had the self-awareness to chuckle at herself as she responded with “that’s my baby!” When I asked her why she was chuckling she said that she realizes it might not be the best behavior but it is so hard to break. I then asked her what it would mean if she didn't answer her son's phone call every time. She noticeably got anxious and said that she would be worried that he would think she is not there for him. This fear is what makes the communication pattern so difficult to break for parents.
One of the most common challenges parents face in communication comes from the prolonged role of caretaker, which can lead to the development of negative communication patterns. From the moment a child is born, it is essential for parents to be attentive and responsive to their needs. However, as children reach adolescence, it becomes just as important for parents to practice stepping back, allowing their children to explore and navigate the world on their own. As these adolescents transition into young adulthood and often leave the family home, it is vital for parents to practice letting go. This shift enables young adults to independently utilize resources beyond the support of their parents.
A simple way to start this process is by paying attention to how quickly a parent responds to their child's communication. When a parent always answers their child's calls immediately, the child learns to rely on them as a go-to resource for quick solutions. This can lead to the child calling more often than necessary because it's so convenient. However, if there’s a time when the parent doesn’t answer right away and can’t get back to the child for a few hours, the child often figures out the problem on their own or forgets about it entirely. This example shows why it’s important not to always answer the phone right away when your child calls.
This shift enables young adults to independently utilize resources beyond the support of their parents.
When a parent is trying to break this communication pattern, I encourage them to challenge themselves by not answering their child's next phone call. Instead, I suggest they text their child back, explaining that they're not available for the next couple of hours but would be happy to connect later that evening. They should also suggest a specific time for the child to call back. If the issue is important, the child will likely reach out around the suggested time; however, in many cases, the issue resolves itself by then. If this approach feels too abrupt, I recommend starting with a smaller step: not answering the call and responding with a text saying they’ll get back within an hour or two. This can be an easier adjustment for parents and often reduces their anxiety, knowing they’ll still be in touch with their child within a couple of hours.
Whether it’s taking small steps like the suggestions above or having a direct conversation with a young adult about the frequency of communication, becoming aware of your communication patterns as a parent is always beneficial. Letting go can be daunting, and the fear that not answering every call might make your child feel unsupported can be overwhelming. Recognizing that fear or anxiety is influencing how you interact with your child is a significant step toward becoming more intentional in your communication as a parent.
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