When Letting Go Feels Hard: Allowing College Students to Make Mistakes

Letting go of our kids is one of the hardest parts of parenting, and it doesn’t magically get easier when they head off to college. In fact, those first months can feel like some of the most pressured moments of all. We want them to start strong, stay on top of their work, and not dig a hole that feels impossible to climb out of. We don’t want them to get discouraged, fall behind, or, in our worst fears, fail.

Because of that pressure, it’s easy to slip into over-helping. Parents may be tempted to give too much advice, send too many reminders, or hover a little closer than needed. Some parents even take over, editing assignments, emailing professors, and managing deadlines. And the story we tell ourselves is usually some version of: “I’ll just do this to help them get started.”

I understand that impulse deeply. As parents, we don’t want our kids to make the same mistakes we made, or the ones that look so obviously avoidable from where we sit. But here’s the truth: those very mistakes are crucial to their growth.

Early Stumbles Are Low Stakes, But High Value

The first papers, quizzes, and projects of a semester are not usually the ones that determine the outcome of a college career. But they do serve another important purpose: they give students feedback. When students miss the mark, they have the chance to learn by asking professors for clarification, visiting tutoring centers, or figuring out new ways to study.

Yes, some students struggle to dig out of the hole they create. That’s painful to watch, and it’s a tough lesson. But most of the time, the early stumbles are exactly what help students realize what’s required of them and how to adapt. Those mistakes are not just inevitable; they’re necessary.

Why Stepping Back Matters

When we step in too quickly, we risk sending the wrong message: “I don’t think you can handle this without me.” That undermines their confidence and robs them of the experience of figuring it out.

What they really need from us is not constant direction, but encouragement, empathy, and sometimes even privacy, to wrestle with challenges on their own terms. Our job isn’t to smooth the path or eliminate the mistakes, but to stand on the sidelines, steady and supportive, while they learn to navigate.

The Courage to Let Them Learn

Letting our young adults fail is uncomfortable. But the process of letting go is also the process that allows them to step into their independence. They will make mistakes, and we may watch them struggle, but they are more capable and resilient than we sometimes give them credit for.

So the next time you feel the urge to jump in with advice or intervention, pause. Remind yourself: mistakes made in September don’t define their success in May. And more often than not, those early stumbles will become the very experiences that teach them how to succeed.