Whose Problem Is It? Helping Our Kids Grow by Stepping Back

Why allowing our teens and young adults to navigate everyday challenges is one of the most important ways we can support their growth.

A few weeks ago, I got a text from my son, a sophomore in college living off campus for the first time. He wanted to give me a heads-up that he'd forwarded an email from his property management company. According to the email, there were several outstanding charges on his account, totaling a couple thousand dollars.

He had just moved in the month before. We'd worked together to complete the lease agreements and set up payments, and because my husband and I cover his tuition and room and board, I'd arranged for everything to be paid automatically. So, obviously, I was concerned. How could we owe thousands of dollars?

My son told me he was going to call the property manager the next day because the charges couldn't be right. I asked if he wanted help. He'd never rented before, had no experience dealing with a property management company, and there was a significant amount of money involved.

He said, "No, I've got it."

And, thankfully, I said okay.

The next day, he called to tell me he'd spoken with the property manager. Their system had some mistakes, including duplicate charges, and he'd resolved all but one. We got on the payment portal together and figured out the remaining charge was actually a missed payment by one of his roommates. My son followed up with his roommate and the property manager, and the issue was resolved.

He'd handled an adult situation, advocated for himself, worked through the confusion, and figured out when to ask for help. He felt good about handling it—and not needing me to do it. I felt good that I hadn't gotten in the way.

But here's the part that really stuck with me: my first thought was to take care of it myself.

I knew I could probably resolve it quickly. I had more experience and, frankly, it was my money involved. It would have been easier and more comfortable for me to make the call and straighten things out.

But easier for whom? And at what cost?

If I had jumped in, I might have resolved the problem more quickly, but I would have robbed my son of the chance to learn how to handle it. Without intending to, I also would have sent the message, "I don't think you can handle this."

That's not the message I want to send. And it's certainly not what I believe about my son.

Whose problem is it, anyway?

As our kids move through adolescence and into young adulthood, the answer isn't always straightforward. Their problems affect us. We care about their well-being, happiness, success, and futures. Sometimes, as in my situation, we even have a direct financial or practical stake in the outcome.

But having a stake in the outcome doesn't mean we need to take ownership of the entire problem.

When we take over problems our kids are capable of navigating, we can unintentionally take away the experiences they need to develop independence and confidence.

A disagreement with a roommate, a missed assignment, a confusing bill, a difficult conversation with a professor, or a scheduling conflict at work can all be stressful and uncomfortable. They're also opportunities to practice asking questions, advocating for themselves, making decisions, solving problems, making mistakes, and following through.

I'm reminded of the saying: kids don't mature in preparation for responsibility; they mature as a result of it.

My son didn't need to know everything about dealing with a property manager before making that phone call. He needed the chance to make the call, run into things he didn't know, and figure out his next steps. And when he reached a point where my involvement was useful, he asked for my help.

He didn't have to do everything independently for the experience to be his.

Sometimes the hardest part is managing our own discomfort

Most of the parents I work with are fantastic problem solvers. They're capable, resourceful people who have spent years anticipating challenges, making plans, and finding solutions.

Those strengths can also make it hard to resist jumping in.

Sometimes we're worried about the outcome. Sometimes things aren't getting done quickly enough or the way we would do them. And sometimes it's simply uncomfortable to watch someone we love struggle when we know we could make things easier.

In my case, I knew I could probably handle the situation faster. And I wasn't exactly comfortable having unresolved charges sitting on an account with my name attached to it.

We often talk about helping our kids tolerate frustration, uncertainty, and discomfort. Parents have to practice those skills, too. Things may take longer. Our kids may approach them differently. They may experience stress and frustration along the way.

Their discomfort doesn't automatically mean something is wrong or that we need to fix it.

Sometimes our job is to tolerate our own discomfort while they work through theirs.

Before you jump in, get curious

The next time your teen or young adult comes to you with a problem, slow down before offering a solution.

Instead, get curious:

• "What do you think your next step is?"

• "What have you tried so far?"

• "Would it help to talk through some options?"

• "What kind of support would be helpful from me?"

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These questions communicate something important: I see you as capable.

And if they don't know what to do, that's okay. We can offer information, help them think through options, or break the problem into smaller steps without taking ownership of it.

Sometimes what they need most is simply: "That sounds frustrating. I think you can figure it out, and I'm here if you need me."

The opportunity in everyday problems

We don't have to manufacture challenges for our kids. Life provides plenty of them. Our job is to be thoughtful about when to step in, when to offer support, and when to get out of the way.

So the next time you feel the urge to jump in and solve a problem, ask yourself:

Am I helping my child solve this problem, or am I helping them become someone who can solve problems?