Holding Boundaries and Having Clear Expectations for Your Young Adult

Boundaries, Balance, and Growing Up: Parenting Through Young Adulthood

Watching your child step into young adulthood can feel like a juggling act. You’re expected to stay grounded and supportive, while also giving them the space to stretch their wings. Boundaries are the glue that holds this balancing act together. They aren’t about control—they’re about safety, predictability, and creating the framework your young adult needs to thrive.

So what exactly is a boundary? The definition of a boundary is: The limits and guidelines a person sets for themselves about what they are comfortable with, how they want to be treated, and what they will or won’t accept in relationships or situations.They also provide containment for ourselves, helping us manage our behavior so we don’t cross into someone else’s boundaries

Another important distinction is that a boundary is different than a rule. A rule is something we set for someone else. A boundary is something we set for ourselves. Rules try to enforce compliance. Boundaries create conditions for respect and self-responsibility. Rules say “obey me.” Boundaries say “I’m responsible for me, and you’re responsible for you.”

Why Boundaries Matter

Boundaries provide more than rules. They set the stage for independence by offering structure and clarity. When expectations shift constantly or remain vague, your child is left guessing—and uncertainty often leads to conflict. Clear boundaries give them the chance to grow within a supportive, predictable framework.

Setting Expectations with Clarity

When setting boundaries, it helps to be specific. Instead of “do better in school,” try using SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound). For example: “Attend every class this term and check in once a week about how it’s going.” This clarity keeps both you and your child accountable, and it prevents arguments about “what you really meant.”

Responding vs. Reacting

It’s natural for young adults to push back on boundaries. That’s part of their growth. The key is not to get pulled into the storm. Reacting usually comes from fear—snapping, lecturing, or over-explaining. Responding is calmer, more balanced, and shows confidence. A measured response helps you hold the line without escalating conflict.

Helpful Tips for Staying Grounded:

• Have a script ready. When tough topics come up and you feel caught off guard, having a few sentences prepared can help you stay calm and consistent. For example: “I hear what you’re saying. Let’s set some time tomorrow to talk this through.”

• Stick to the framework. Don’t shift boundaries in the heat of the moment. Consistency builds trust, even when your child doesn’t agree with the boundary.

• Give space alongside support. Boundaries aren’t about micromanaging. They work best when paired with respect for your child’s independence.

• “I hear you AND…” (AND not BUT)

• “I hear you that you would like an answer now AND if you need to know immediately, the answer is no.  If you can wait, I will consider your request and give you an answer tomorrow.”

• “I hear you that you would like to increase your budget, AND $50 is the limit.

• “I hear you that the professor sucks and you want to drop this class, AND our agreement is you will speak with your advisor and discuss their recommendations with us before making a decision.”

• “I can hear that this is important to you, AND I'd like to have some time to consider your request.  I will get back to you tomorrow with my thoughts.  

• It is important to give a specific timeframe so they don't feel pushed off

• “If you_____________ I/we will______________.”

• “If you complete the program, We will support you returning to college full time.”

• “If you choose to quit your job without planning ahead, I will not give you extra money to cover your expenses.”